We loose ourselves after a breakup.

We loose ourselves after a breakup.

I am not sure wether it’s just me or the universe is slapping me on the face with all these posts about “getting over a break up”, or “finding the love of your life”, “How to have a healthy relationship”, “How to avoid infidelity” , it’s driving me bananas! But it made me think, if this subject is everywhere it’s probably because people are reading about it, (myself included) we need it, girls or boys, we unconsciously want advice and want to know how people do make it work in a relationship right? We want to know how people get over break ups, or want to know why we are sitting at home crying over ” I hate that I don’t hate you” and binging on flaming hot Cheetos puff while the other dude/dudette is out and about peacefully (or so we think).  It’s a bit scary to find out that many people out there are breaking up or are in an unhealthy relationship, I mean we’re “adults” we should know better, we should know how to handle ourselves after a breakup yeah? But the truth is we don’t and the only way is practice! I would have to classify breakups in two categories; getting over an ash*%e (bitches too) or getting over losing your best friend, regardless of who broke up with whom, the latter is always the hardest.

Getting over that douche.. That sounds harsh but it’s true! I’ve been there I swear I am not judging, but why the fudge do we date these jerks? What were we thinking? Apparently it’s something both men and women do and need at some point in their lives, don’t feel bad, it doesn’t mean you are an idiot or are not confident enough, damaged or not we all do it at some point. And for many reasons; maybe you wan’t to help this vulnerable/neurotic girl, maybe you think you can change that heartbreaker and make him fall in love with you, maybe it was just your ego trying to win over that person, there are infinite reasons some which we don’t even understand or knew they were in us. But the important thing here is how not to “want” them anymore, to learn to move on and avoid these personalities.

And then comes the tough one, how are you supposed to get over giving up or having been given up by your best friend in the world? Because, isn’t that what a relationship should be about? Caring about someone, wanting to know about their life, their plans, their likes-dislikes; if you were dating a guy with whom you were happy spending most of your time with, with whom you could share anything and laugh about everything, wanting to hug him all the time, this is your friend. This wasn’t your lover, that was just a bonus, he/she was your friend and losing that sucks as hell.

In any of the scenarios what really really kills us is the not knowing; not knowing why you shut that person out, why he/she broke up with you, why you don’t love him/her anymore, why he/she stopped loving you, we look for answers and that’s mistake #1, STOP, stop wanting to understand, stop trying to find a reason or an answer as to why things ended up the way they did because most of the times you won’t get an answer. Even if you confront this person, neither of you will be completely honest, wether you are sugarcoating it or are just too proud, it just doesn’t happen. Unless you were dating a true  ash%&e of course, they are not modest at all and will tell you they have a million girls wanting to date them and they can’t miss out on that opportunity to sleep with everything that moves. Ouch! You just need to accept things weren’t working out, it’s not like things changed in 24 hrs, something was just not working out for some time no matter the reasons, the person just wasn’t into it anymore and that’s all you need to know. And you NEED to know this because you wouldn’t want to spend your time with someone who isn’t into you right? The problem is we  find excuses and we think we can still do more to be a better partner, we give ourselves unconditionally thinking this person will realize how valuable we are and will come to his/her senses and fall deeply and madly in love with you but you know how valuable you are, you don’t need anyone to reassure you or even worse, you NEVER need to sell yourself. If this person isn’t seeing it he/she probably won’t see after 6 months. Like I said, this person was just not into it for who knows what reasons but you are who you are and you don’t need to change for anyone.

Now comes the breakup.. If you were dating option #1, its not that hard of a breakup because you are smarter than you think and you knew that person just wasn’t good news from the start, you knew this person was wrong for you, you know that it wasn’t going to work out and because of that you probably never got very intimate to build a true relationship, you never became friends first so what are you really losing here? Guys/girls like these are everywhere, if you’re worried about finding another like this one trust me you will, easily! These guys are totally and completely replaceable, so you will realize soon enough that you were just being stupid caring so much. It is when you find that person #2, your best friend who you believe to be your one and only (cheesy I know), the one you will never be able to replace, that really makes it something special, something totally worth it and when it stops working, it hurts like a mother  because you are breaking your best friend’s heart or yours is being shattered into pieces. You willfully chose to let go of this person and this will make you hurt for a long time and you will probably “loose yourself” for a bit, because you won’t understand how you are letting go of this person or how you were let go, but if we can’t even understand why we break up with someone how do we expect the other person to tell us why? We just don’t know and we will not know.

You will go through several phases on your breakup and depending on your personality you could go through all but not limited to the following; you will become a health buff, you will hate everything, you probably won’t want to eat, then you’ll overeat, then comes the chick flicks and the music, then you start doubting yourself, which is where many become stalkers and check every single type of social media, then comes the official depression, post-depression/rebound, and so on!

You need to embrace getting “lost”, loose yourself in your emotions and thoughts, if you need to cry, CRY don’t shut it out, your body is telling you it needs to vent. If you are one of those who needs another partner to get over it then hey, go right ahead, stop analyzing everything and just be, but make sure you are being yourself, never do something to hurt someone or go out and do something radical just because you feel like crap. You need to understand that it doesn’t matter if you had him/her  for a day, a month, a year, the point is you had that experience which many people never have; you were able to love someone so much and care about someone so much to put your demands second, to no longer think only of yourself but of your other person, your wingman in life. You were able to hurst so badly, we need it! We need it to know we are human beings and we are able to love this way, to give ourselves to someone, if it doesn’t hurt then it probably wasn’t love. So embrace that you have been in love, that’s the beauty of relationships. Yes, it will take a while but you will get over this and you will come out of this experience a different person because you will realize now that even though it hurt, even though you thought you had found him/her  you’re learning that you don’t need someone else to live your life happily. Once you understand that you are happy with yourself, everything else will change. If you can be your own friend, and you can hang out with yourself 24/7 and still have a blast you will be happy, whoever comes along is just a bonus and if you have fun with yourself who wouldn’t have fun with you! I feel for the people who don’t know how to be alone, who can’t spend a day with themselves you know? These people are in constant need of someone else, they breakup and are immediately with some other gal/guy just because they can’t be alone or for the sex, not because they like this person or love them; it becomes a viscous cycle and these persons will never be able to find true love because they just don’t love themselves enough to be alone. So if you were replaced , you can rest assured this guy/girl doesn’t know what he’s doing, he’s just on girl #37 and still doesn’t know what he wants. Or he’s a plain 30 year old kid who is not willing to take risks and open his heart to someone. Either way, IDIOTS! (I am on the hating phase of my breakup as you can see)

 And we all want to be a nice person and remain friends and if you gave something up it will probably be okay for you but if you were given up it just won’t work for now, in the future certainly, but for now it will be very easy for you to fall right back into loving this person the same way you did before and it will just hurt even more knowing you are with this person but you are not. Just be honest, if your mad at the other person just say it, it’s okay to stand up for yourself and say “Listen you ash*ole, I don’t want to be your friend, I don’t hope everything goes well for you”. 

My best advise would be to BE.. have fun, enjoy yourself, listen to the universe telling you it will be okay, listen to the music I swear it’t there of a reason. For me it helps to head out to the ocean, take a small trip. Remember this person, remember your friend, he/she will never be forgotten because he was a part of you and how can you exclude that from your life? It’s part of you so don’t try to shut it out otherwise you will shut yourself out.

 

“It’s better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all”   -Alfred Lord Tennyson

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